Premature Ejaculation, Hyper Sensitivity, and The Deep Let Down

Over a quarter of all men report they experience episodes of premature ejaculation; I think women would report that number being much higher. Premature ejaculation (PE) is often characterized as a man's inability to control his ejaculation before both partners are satisfied. The time frame is a little difficult to pin down, but most of the surveys I looked at consider it to be about two minutes prior to or after penetration. I would argue the real time frame is more subjective and has to do with the enjoyment of both parties involved. Any release prior to both parties being satisfied feels premature, or if a man is on the edge of ejaculation the whole time he is making love this takes away from his satisfaction as well. Satisfaction is not just about cumming... and not to be too cliche'... it's about the journey as well. Let's not get to caught up on how long a man can last or what the clinical definition is and instead simply look at what the issue is, how it affects the sufferer(s), and what can be done to address the challenge.

                                       Video on Premature Ejaculation and Some Solutions 

PE is difficult for everyone involved. Consider for a moment the reality that there are differences between the sexes... I know there are social justice warriors out there are convinced there are no gender variations... however, the majority of us do understand, sexually speaking, that women and men are very different. Men are capable, when driven by blind lust, to be very self serving sexually, and we forget that it takes longer for a woman, and for many men as well, to be ready for penetration/sexual activity. The Daoists, and pretty much every ancient spiritual system, state a man's strength or drive lies in his sexual energy with his heart needing time to open; for a woman her strength lies in the heart with readiness in her genitals coming around slower. A typical sexual encounter according to Dr. Harry Fisch lasts only 7.3 minutes, with about half of all men finishing within 2 minutes... makes me wonder how this impacts our collective male mojo? Possible causes include: Physical reasons... urethritis, prostatitis, hyperthyroidism, erectile dysfunction, obesity; Psychological reasons... relationship problems, performance anxiety, female partner who has difficulty with orgasm, body image issues, or low self esteem. Regardless of the cause there are many actions a man can take to increase his staying power that have nothing to do with stopping ejaculation or applying a desensitizing cream. 

My Tantra teacher once stated that she believed that men ejaculate to quickly because we condition ourselves through our masturbation practice, which started in our teens while sneaking in a session quickly so that we would not be discovered. This is one plausible cause. Personally I have found that often when a man cums to quickly it was because he was over aroused and hyper attuned to his own sensation. So whether the cause is physical, related to our masturbation practice, or hypersensitivity here are some tips which might aid in augmenting this condition.

1. Pelvic floor work- This suggestion I feel every man should do regardless if he suffers from PE or not. Working the muscles along our pelvic floor is extremely important even if for no other reason than you don't want to leave the world the way you came into it... wearing diapers. Working the pelvic floor muscles not only tones the muscles but it also cultivates the nervous system in that area. When we feel fully connected to our pelvic floor we will also feel more comfortable in our own body. The more attuned to our physicality we are the more we are aware of the pressure that ejaculation creates. I do not suggest a man do pelvic floor work during sex in order to stop discharge as this will shift his focus back onto himself, which is the issue as hypersensitivity is the problem in the first place; instead I suggest that he know when he is about to cum and simply pause all the activity once he can sense that pressure becoming to much. How to do the practice: Inhale, contract your anus, then perineum, genitals, then pull in the navel... and as you increase the magnitude of the contraction exhale and hold for about 5 seconds... then relax, inhale and repeat. In yoga this is a very important maneuver and is called mula bandha or root lock.

2. Change your approach. Most men approach sex in a hot way. We get all steamed up, anxious to get to it, and once we are inside we get overwhelmed by the intensity and sensation... 7 minutes later sploosh and it's all over. I can almost guarantee that without adequate foreplay she didn't experience much pleasure with this approach and forget about her having an orgasm. If a man is hypersensitive or anxious slowing down and redirecting his focus is the best thing he can do. Focus on her pleasure and keep in mind her whole body needs attention, not just the juicy bits. Try massaging her first, gentle kisses all over, connecting with her through eye contact, breathing together, then move onto the sexier parts, and finally after much time has passed your nervous energy should be dissipated. Your arousal should now be cooled, and she will more likely will be ready for penetration. With this approach even if you only have intercourse for 5 minutes, she will be much more satisfied because she feels connected and her whole body has been touched. This is a fundamental approach one should work on if you are interested in Tantric Sex.

Helpful links:
Hot vs Cool arousal
Nature of Sexual Energy/Desire 

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Sexual Energy: Hot vs Cool Arousal

When I was about 13 years old I came across my Father's dirty magazine collection... I guess it wasn't as innocent as coming across this content, it was more like I was snooping and happened upon them. I still remember the feeling I experienced upon finding the magazines filled with the images of beautiful women who had cast their shame aside and donned not a thing man made. I was overwhelmed with a intense flush of energy, a hot radiance began to coarse through me and my skin seemed to catch fire, my heart began to beat fast and my breath rate tripled. This is power, it's the power of sexual energy and the power that many women have long forgot they have. This was a hot sexual energy reaction.

The intensity of hot sexual energy is very seductive, because we as humans and Westerners in general enjoy experiences, drugs, foods, etc that have an intense impact. Does intense mean that it is good or better? The answer to this is... it depends. Take the example of Pharmaceuticals. Long before Rockefeller/allopathic Medicine came along we had herbs and various other natural remedies which impacted the body in a generally more gentle way. As drugs became more refined and more powerful on the whole we began to experience a greater impact on the body and the symptoms being managed. This increased impact had a double edged sword attached to, it also meant more deaths, complications and additional side effects on the body. In the present day we have Pharmaceuticals killing more people every year than all illegal drugs do combined, which has led many of us to seek out more subtle ways to manage the symptoms of our health related challenges, like Homeopathic remedies, herbs, improved diet, yoga, etc... Hot sexual energy is top-down stimulation, meaning that the energy perks up based on a visual stimulus or a fantasy. Studies done in Europe in 2002 showed that 13 percent of men ages 40-80 demonstrated erectile dysfunction (ED). A later follow up study was completed in 2011, but this time done with men 18-40 years old showed ED rates around 14-28%. Of course, I can’t be certain as to what caused this drastic increase particularly considering the men were younger in the second study, but I suspect the massive increase in using hot arousal for sexual stimulation is the driving force. The use of porn has sky rocketed to the point where now over 35% of all search engine inquiries are related to porn.

                                              Video: Sexual Energy, Hot vs Cool Arousal 

What we need to understand about top-down stimulus is that it inflames our being. When I say inflame I mean that we are being influenced by the experiential, bodily manifestation of the element of fire. Esoterically fire is associated with movement, action, transformation, burning/incinerating, and it affects all the other elemental aspects of the body. For example, how does fire affect water? It boils water which generates steam and steam is the faster moving form of water... Fire mixes with air it leads to the feeding of fire and the increased movement of air... fire with earth leads to the scorching of the earth and if the flames are intense enough the melting of rock into lava. In the body these manifestations are felt as physiological changes. Increased heart rate is the acceleration of the fire principle, increase breathing is the increase in the movement of the air principle, the boiling of water is the increase in glandular secretions, desire and rate of semen discharge. If you can consider for a moment the concept of the chakras. The chakras essentially are spins and vibrations. As energy moves from our base root chakra upward to the crown the frequency of vibration increases as well, and as our attention moves upward we get to experience how creation as we know it is manifests. All things physical at one point were something more fluid or subtle. Let's say you wish to buy a car. In your mind you intend the car and picture it, which is connecting at a higher frequency and less solid form. As you decide/desire (motionless water, sexual/potential energy) you wish to bring the car into reality you begin to work harder to manifest it; the effort and action which is the more dense and transformative fire principle in action. Once your fire is acting fueled by thought and intention we feel increased desire for the car and this increased desire/emotions, water element, is heated up into steam which turns the wheels even faster toward manifestation. Finally, the day comes to purchase the vehicle and once we are behind the wheel it is now manifest, earth element. So the progression energetically looks like pure energy/spirit activates the mind, the mind decides it wants a car, the decision perks up desire, desire leads to action, and action leads to the actual car. I hope this illustrates clearly the creation story all of which was initiated by the etheric aspect which is spirit or a seed which eventually birthed the thought (air).

When Hot arousal occurs energy is perked up in a intense manner and many physiological processes are stimulated, because the mind and the body are so intertwined this means that hot arousal will also increase activity in the mind. Consider a fetish or a kink. Kinks are top down stimulus, they exist because the mind has translated the signals from the nervous system and energy body which are influenced by past experiences, sometimes traumas, and unresolved issues. Understanding and exploring kinks can be instrumental in our individual growth if we can perceive why the desire and fantasy has surfaced. Often when acting out a kink we discover something of value about who we are on a deeper level, assuming we are functioning with some level of awareness; however this is a difficult task, as many of us get swept away in the hot desire to act and the gratification of the release that we fail to see the deeper meaning. Take for example a cuckolding situation in which a man desires to see his wife have sex with another man. Men who have this experience often report a confused mix of emotions and intensity of feeling associated with this act. The act is mixed with all the tell tail signs of hot arousal plus the addition of feelings of jealousy and possessiveness, and of course this is related to visual stimulus. I feel that if you were to survey many of these men about their history you might find they might look at porn a great deal or that the fantasy is linked to an actual betrayal; other words, the cuckold fantasy is actually him sexualizing the hurt as a protective mechanism for the personality. The issue with unresolved kink or reliance on hot arousal as a man’s soul means of expressing his sexuality is that all the heat generated accelerates the activity of the mind and this can lead to obsessing about hot situations and perhaps unhealthy expressions of one's sexual energy.

The natural balancing point lies in a man exploring cool arousal which slows down the mental process and places the awareness back into a more grounded state in the body. Cool arousal can take some getting used to because we get so accustomed to intense feelings. Cool leads to movement as well, but we are in a place of feeling and sensing, so the energy flow is concentrated in our body, hence in a more grounded state. Cool sexual energy flows into greater density, the body, where as hot sexual energy flows outward into the ethers. Cool arousal is very much a Yoga technique, and our lack of practice in this method is why many of us don’t truly understand Tantric sex. If we accept that awareness directs energy it also utilizes the fire principle in the body, however the difference once again has to do with the intensity of the heat and where it is being concentrated. Cool arousal will bring warmth to the body and includes a gentle stimulation of the heart. When we are stimulated in a hot way the energy is activated in such a way that it bypasses the heart and it's power pull to connect us with others and ourselves. When we connect with our sexual partners or ourselves in a cool way while self pleasuring, the slow gradual rise in sexual energy allows for us to not become so obsessive about getting off. When we take our time to connect we bring the heart into play and a energetic transformation can occur, which is at the heart of Tantric sex. Remember what I said at the beginning of this commentary that a man’s strength lies in his desire/genitals/sexual energy and his challenge lies in opening and connecting through his heart. Fundamentally hot arousal often creates a friction between partners unless they both are functioning through this mode. In the case of a opposite sex partners if he is in hot mental arousal and she is not, it’s highly likely that he will push to advance his sexual agenda based on the intense pressure of desire, which is a problem because she needs him to slow down so that she can let him in. This sort of sex can be draining for both involved. I’m not saying that cool is better than hot, but I am implying that it’s necessary that both partners be on the same page. When woman complains about a mans closed heart, she may very well be correct but it’s not accepting him for where he is at the present moment and any complaint about this will most likely create further withdraw on his part. When both parties take there time and allow arousal to rise in an intentional cool way then the rush of sexual desire need not bypass the heart allowing for deep connected sex. Connection transcends our mundane interests and hobbies, it allows us to connect as if on another dimension. The power of sexual connection creates a flow of energy that results in not only greater pleasure but it pressurizes our life force leading to catharsis, enhanced feelings of embodiment and clarity.

 The path for a man begins with practicing cool arousal during self pleasuring. The reason practice is necessary is because we need a contrast. If we continue to practice hot arousal by masturbating to porn then we will not be able to see the difference in effect these practices have of our sense of well being and the overall pleasure we experience. Research has found that after one ejaculation it takes minimally about three days for a man to recover physiologically from the release, and considering most men don’t wait 3 days between sessions means most men are functioning with sub-optimal energy. When I was in grad school and we were studying muscle adaptation to exercise induced stress we found out that for the first 40 days of a strength training program participants often experienced increases in strength. This adaptation was not due to increases in muscle size but rather due to augmentations in the nervous system, other words, one’s ability to lift more weight was because of increases in efficiency within the nervous system. The need to abstain from release for longer periods of time is necessary because it allows us to observe and contrast how we feel, and it allows our physiology to reset leading to our new norm. The overall discussion about hot vs cool arousal is one of balance; it’s about efficiency, the experience of ourselves and our bodies, the desire to choose practices which are additive to our lives, and ultimately lead to us feeling better about the lives we lead.... is there anything more practical than this?

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Orgasms that Heal, Orgasms that Hinder

The practice of masturbation goes back for as long as man has been in existence and figured out that if the sexual organs are touched a pleasurable sensation rises. Within the genitals are dense clusters of nerve endings and because of these nerve endings we discover not only sexual pleasure but also the design allows us to understand something very fundamental; anywhere in the body where there are dense clusters of sensory nerves you have a part of the body which is essential for survival. Think of what it would be like to be without your sight, touch, smell or hearing etc...? The act of procreation is actually a recreation of the process which occurs for the formation of all mater, cell division and agglomeration. Sexual stimulation from touch, fantasy, visual aid etc are full body processes which draw our attention and energy in a very powerful way. Horny is high and humanity loves its drugs. Many of us discovered our genitals at a very early age, for men it probably occurred around age 13 and once we figured out how masturbation worked we really took ownership of the process and many of us began doing it daily to get high, to feel pleasure, or to avoid boredom. Point is we created a habit. When we do something in a habitual way without much variation of the experience ceases to give us the high it once did, but yet we continue. 

Politics and religion over the years have attempted to manipulate our bedroom behaviors, of which masturbation is one. Any attempt to control sexual behavior augments the attitudes and experiences we all have with regard to sex. When this energy, sexual energy, is tampered with through morality, judgement, or habitual release our energy becomes distorted from the ideal or its natural way. Ejaculation and orgasm are very powerful experiences which transcend pleasure and stimulation and can be a powerful tool for healing the body's energy flow and hence the body's general health. Agree with me or not, but the primary function of govern-ment (govern means to control, ment means mind) is to guide the behaviors of the citizens and if the behaviors are guided then so to is the life force or energy of which sexual energy is part. In modern times there is less interest in controlling sexual energy through morality and it's more likely that we are now controlled through permissiveness and lack of fundamental sexual education. So between the new attitude of sexual permissiveness and our lack of understanding in maters of human energy one of the largest industries in the world is now the sex industry and porn. With so many men in particular operating in ignorance and discharging several times per week many of us have very week orgasms and our body's have become weak and move toward decrepit at far to faster rate. According to science there is a long list of hormones and neurotransmitters that are effected in very powerful ways with each release: dopamine, prolactin, testosterone, estrogen, cortisol, luteinizing hormone, endorphins, serotonin, gonadatropins... With all these chemicals affected is it no wonder too many weak orgasms can lead to sexual dysfunction, mental disturbance, lack of clarity, and overall dissatisfaction in our sex lives; if you doubt this assessment just consider, men particularly, how you feel post orgasm, we experience our bodies and our partners in a very different way post release. A healthy sex life and attitude is essential to having a healthy state of mind/body as well as relating intimately and openly with our partners.

                                      Video: Magnitude of Orgasm, Ojas, and Enlightenment

The strength of the orgasm determines the healing impact it has on the body. Weak orgasms produce a draining effect, strong ones a clearing and healing effect. According to Native American traditions our body’s need orgasm as much as we need to sleep or eat and they are truly for our body's health. Our body is inseparable from our mind and our consciousness, because of this if the body is impacted so to are the other aspects of our being. So a powerful orgasm will have an impact on feelings of emotional well being, we feel more embodied, can increase the clarity of our consciousness, and can aid in the release of stagnant energy from the body therefore diminishing the likelihood of dis-ease. 

How it works is rather simple to understand. A greater charge will lead to a greater discharge and what determines the direction of flow of the energy is the attention of the individual. Energy follows attention, So consider this; if you have a weak or strong orgasm but the focus is on porn then where does the energy flow too? Answer: the computer screen or into the ethers, and we feel drained or sleepy after. If you have a lot of charge or build up and you are not engaged in visual aids or fantasy and instead are in a place of feeling and sensing then where does the energy go? Answer: the orgasm moves inward in an implosive fashion and we feel energized after. Our attitudes are also major factors in determining the impact of our orgasms. If we are holding negative attitudes about our body, our partners, or sex in general this too can have a detrimental effect on the quality of the orgasm. Before embarking on your path to respecting sexual energy it is essential that orgasms in general be viewed in a positive light, and that while practicing to achieve higher level satisfaction be conscious of your attitude regarding short falls and be aware of any self shaming that may rise. In the Native American Nagual tradition of Quodoushka, teacher Amara Charles describes orgasms on a scale of 1-4 which I will summarize here.

Level 1, Repulsion Energy: This is a very weak and unsatisfying orgasm usually due to lack of charge or build up, a focus on porn, quickie sex, and is not in anyway embodied. This depleting orgasm often leads to feelings of separation or distance from a partner. End result is sleepiness, and only the first chakra is opened for men, and 1-3 for women.

Level 2, Repulsion toward Adhesion Energy: More physically satisfying, gain some energy. A balance of charge and discharge is reached, the feeling of some balance mentally and spiritually is achieved. If partnered there is some heart connection. Man is less distant, woman is more nurturing and giving. we feel somewhat satisfied but feel like we could do it again. Definitely feel more energetic after, but still relaxed.

Level 3, Adhesion toward Cohesion Energy: We feel like all is aligned. Deeply satisfied and ready for more. Expanded awareness, possible experience of visions of past lives, many tremors and after shocks. Feel a sense of balance in all aspects mentally, physically, spiritually, and sexually. All lower chakras have been opened up to 5th for men and 7th for women. 

Level 4, Cohesion Energy: This is a transcendent space in which all aspects are balanced and time seems to disappear. No energy is lost but instead seems to recycle itself allowing for further love making to occur. If making love it feels as if the bodies merge as one. Awareness is expanded, healing is deep, and aging ceases, we often experience abundant inner light, all chakras are opened, and separation of genders disappears. This is the kind of orgasm achieved between two loving partners involved in a Tantra style union. 

I tend to think of this less along the lines of defined levels and more like a spectrum. Personally, if I am self pleasuring I will achieve higher level orgasms by prolonging the experience, breathing deeply and slowly, and making sure I am free of thoughts/fantasy/visual aids. In order to guarantee it's the most embodied experience possible I do some yoga prior along with extensive self massage and breath work. By just knowing that we all have the potential to reach higher states of pleasure and satisfaction I was awakened to these higher states, but first I had to release my old patterns of behavior and attitudes toward my body. Eat well, exercise, breath, and treat your body like the temple that it is and you will be rewarded with growth, love, well being, and amazing orgasms. 

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The Gold of Horny and Practical Attraction

I was married by the time I was 25 years old and during the time I was married I often felt very conflicted about attraction to others, men or women. The conflict was not about my confused sexual identity and my inability to choose a side but with attraction itself. I remember being told or having read it somewhere that even looking at another in a way which provoked sexual energy was cheating. Part of me knew this was untrue and that what actually matters is our behavior. I do believe many of us defend our visual hunt for ass as being biologically justified, but like so many things in life there is always an impact to our actions; our obsessive and unwanted gawking also needs to be done in moderation out of respect for others. Attraction is more than the hunt though; it is biological and it does trigger a cascade of chemicals in our bodies. As a culture we have a poor understanding of attraction and its true purpose. Some would say that we are not meant to be monogamous because if we were we would be able to shut off attraction when we are in a relationship, conversely many of those who are staunchly monogamous tend to believe cheating occurs on a vary broad spectrum from subtle (thoughts) to the gross (action).

So what are we to do? If we repress attraction then life in some ways will begin to feel very dull and the repression of this energy could also manifest issues around sex. If we express or act on our attractions in excess then our fucking around could have a number of negative consequences to both our relationships and personal health. The answer is understanding and recognition that we have a choice to act or not, to repress or not, which ultimately leads us to the third choice which is to use this provocation of our energy and biochemistry to nourish our being deeply.

When we make eye contact with someone whom we find attractive we experience a feeling. That feeling is triggered by a number of endocrine secretions including oxytocin, dopamine, testosterone... That feeling is also energy in motion and what we do with that energy will actually lead to internal friction or vitalization of our body. Some of us actually will begin negative self talk, which is a form of repression, thinking that we are too ugly or that we are somehow unworthy of another's attention and affection. Others of us will create elaborate fantasy or story around what the eye contact means further inflating our already ballooned ego with reflections on how hot and sexy we are. What I am suggesting you try instead is to first recognize your storyline regarding this eye contact, and secondly bring you energy back into the body through feeling. Once we connect with the feeling letting our storylines go, simply pause and feel all over your body; up your back, down your front, all the way to your fingers and toes; Inhale, exhale and go about your day. The whole process with some practice takes about 10 seconds. Do you have 10 seconds to spare for reconnecting to your body which holds within it's makeup your ability to experience life with depth and in a healthy way?

Horny, like attraction, is very powerful and is a signal from the body that a potential mate may be right in front of you, but it can also serve another purpose which is far more subtle. While attraction generally requires the presence of another person, horny on the other hand often occurs without another soul around. We get horny in the morning, men really understand this one; we get horny when we are depressed or in a good mood, horny is triggered by visuals, and sometimes we are just horny. No matter why we are horny, with time and awareness we can start to see that the signal of horny is not only driven by the biological imperative to reproduce but also is a signal from the body that we need to feel our body. Feeling our body goes beyond masturbation or the pursuit of another person who can aid us in our feeling. Horny happens far to frequently for many of us to always be seeking relief through release. Feeling is a call from the body to integrate our intellect, our personality back into the vehicle. We live in a conditioned society which has prepared us for work and interaction with man's creation; which means our energy is frequently being directed outside ourselves. The body is experienced as separate when we are overly identified with the workings of the mind and our function within man's construct. The body is nature and its our connection to the bigger picture, our uplink to connecting will all that is. So when we feel horny simply go into feeling in the same way I described the process with attraction above, and allow this wonderful drip from our loins and higher glands to vibrate and nourish our organs and entire being. When repeated many times per day you will feel like the "master of your domain" and your relationship with all that you are will feel more integrated.

Peace, Akal 
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